Celestia and Luna's Fart Battle (SCRIPT) (Patreon)

-COMEDY-

A few years ago, a friend of mine who is also a writer gave me a challenge to create a writing piece with his idea, as a form of practice.

The idea was that Celestia and Luna hand leadership over to Twilight, and are finally free to do anything they desire. They spend WAY too much time on a beautiful island and eventually get so bored that they decide to duel to the death. 

Alicorn farts are literally DEADLY, so that is how they will fight. Who will win and end the eternal boredom, and where will they end up in the afterlife? A better place? The story is below:

It was a century ago, that Equestria was to receive a new ruler; Princess Twilight Sparkle. The two previous rulers; Princess Celestia and Princess Luna; were finally able to retire and live a life of peace and freedom. They did not need worry about their Kingdom; for the land was in the best of hooves. Princess Twilight Sparkle was the best choice for the new role as Ruler of Equestria.

With their full trust in Twilight, the two Princesses; Celestia and Luna, could finally pursue their dream of escaping to a far away tropical island; where they could enjoy large open spaces of freedom and fun.

Just as predicted, years went by and Twilight did an amazing job as Ruler. Celestia and Luna spent their years frolicking and exploring the many jungles of the island, playing around and enjoying themselves to the fullest. Life couldn’t get much better than this.

Every day was filled with an exciting new adventure for the two Princesses; and with nopony they needed to look after or save, they were finally able to have a life for themselves. Sister by sister; they could be a family again.

And now, the two sisters awaken in their bedrooms; situated in a large cabin atop the sand. Just like that of a beautiful tropical island, the torches had burned out overnight. But this morning is not quite like the others. Luna drags herself out of her bed, seeming… grumpy.

As does Celestia. This mood surely contradicts all the fun and freedom they’ve been having on this island for so long. For SO. LONG.

Luna stares in the mirror; her eyes with bags of purple and a frown so prominent it sags off the bottom of her face. 

“And yet… another morning. On this island.”

She walks out to the eating room, a large timber table holding decorative tiki torches and fruit bowls. She takes a seat, to see her sister across the other side of the long timber block.

No, it’s not just this morning. Celestia’s face looks the same as Luna’s. Tired. Dishevelled. BORED.

But today there’s an extra line, Luna counts carefully as she stared intently at Celestia. She’s a bit far away but she can see clear enough as long as she squints her eyes. 

“What are you staring at?” Celestia groans. “You always stare at me every morning, even harder each day. What could you possibly be looking at? Have I got something on my face?”

Luna is lost in thought as she slowly moves her hoof up and down, whispering numbers “24, 25, 26- Oh, sorry Sister. Did you say something just now?” 

“I said what are you looking at??” 

“Oh, sorry Sister. Just…. Noticing how bright and perky you look today.” 

Celestia isn’t amused.

Luna looks down to her left corner as she hopes Celestia doesn’t figure out that she was counting the lines on her sister’s forehead. 

The number grows each week, or month. Depends. It just grows. And it seems to be a sign. Luna feels the same way. They are both getting more and more UNHAPPY.

“So…. some pineapple, sister?” Luna says sheepishly, blushing a little as she pushes a bowl of fruit towards her still groaning sister.

“You were counting the lines on my face again weren’t you?”

“What? No… of course not sister. Why would I do that?”

“Then why do you STARE at me every morning!?” 

“Well… would it hurt you to, smile a little, sister?”

“Oh, and I suppose YOU are smiling!?”

Luna IS smiling, but only because she’s a little afraid of her sister right now.

Celestia sighs, seats herself back down, and seems a bit more calm. She takes a slice of pineapple and starts to eat it. So does Luna. They eat quietly, for what seems like forever. 

With each bite of fruit, Celestia’s face seems to be getting a little more… ‘scrunched’. Luna is again staring intently and counting to herself.

Celestia’s hoof SLAMS on the table as she stands up and yells, “ENOUGH! I can’t TAKE this anymore! We have been doing the same old thing for an entire CENTURY! And would you stop staring at my FACE!?”

Luna does not appear frightened this time. Instead, she too; sighs. 

“Sister, it is about time we stop pretending that things are still the way they used to be. It was incredible to come to this island. When we first got here, things were so different from what they were before. We had nopony to look out for, which meant we had time for ourselves,”

Celestia’s face was a little surprised, as she once again, sat back down and listened carefully to Luna.

Then Luna continued, “We had time to finally do things together as sisters, and to explore many new things. But lately, NOTHING is new. We have seen everything there is to see. We have DONE everything there is to do. I’m afraid… that I have grown very bored of our current lifestyle.”

It took a few minutes of thinking, and a little shock to finally hear her thoughts of many years in words, for Celestia to finally speak up. “Me too.”

Luna looked up at her sister.

“Me too, Luna. I am so sick and tired of the way we are living. Sure, it was great at first. But for so long… it has been growing dull. I am feeling lifeless. There is nothing left here for us.”

“Then, what do you suppose we do, sister?”

Celestia gives her sister a look of deep thought. This idea had only just come to her, but finally she felt the spark of something new that she had not felt in a long time, just thinking about this idea.

“We do something we haven’t done before.”

Luna smiles sarcastically. “Oh please, sister. We have done EVERYTHING there is to do on this entire planet. There isn’t a single activity LEFT that we have not covered. There is nothing new.”

“But there is.” Celestia interrupted.

She had grabbed Luna’s attention, “We duel to the death.” And successfully held it. 

Luna looked shocked at this. She too, felt that exciting rush that she had not felt for so long. 

But then her face changed. “Pff! Yeah right, sister. You CAN’T be serious.” 

But she was.

“Yes, I am serious Luna. This is the only thing we have never done in this world. The only way to defeat our neverending boredom. And if one of us dies, the other will finally be freed of their boredom too.”

Luna places her hoof to her chin and thinks for a while. Celestia’s serious face has not changed. Luna glances up. “0,” she whispered to herself. Celestia had 0 lines on her face. The boredom has already left her just thinking of it. And so, it was final. 

“Okay, sister.”

Celestia smiled a little. “We will go through with your idea. But, are you really willing to die for the sake of defeating your boredom?”

“Of course. I will do anything to escape this lifestyle. Anything.”

“Very well then. We shall duel tomorrow, on the borderline of the two Palm Trees’ entrance. But just be ready to drop dead the moment you step hoof in our battlegrounds.” Luna smiles tauntingly.

Celestia returns the smile. “Oh no, my dear little Luna, it shall be YOU who will fall to my hooves. I will make you regret you ever agreed to do this.”

A long glare and a wicked smile later, the two prepared for bed. Ready to get a good night’s sleep before the next day; the day that would finally be different from the rest. Oh yes… they were going to need their rest indeed….

Morning came, and the two sisters could not have leaped out of their beds faster. Celestia stopped in front of her mirror, this time counting her OWN lines. Not one to be seen. This was definitely going to be an exciting day. And she was SURE she could win.

Two Palm Trees. The border of the sand. Soft waves.

Celestia had made it to the entrance.

Immediately, she saw Luna standing in between the two trees; a devious smile upon her face. “Are you ready to DIE, sister?” She taunted. “Not as much as you, dear sister.’” Celestia retorted. 

They both tread in a circle, staring menacingly into each other's eyes, locked in contact and moving in perfect harmony. Round and round. They did not leave each other’s sights. 

“Prepare, sister, for the end of your boredom!”

“Wait wait wait.” Celestia called, Luna’s smile diminishing in surprise.

“How are we going to fight?” 

The question had only just struck Luna as well, she realized.

“Hmm,” They both thought. Then Celestia remembered.

It was back when she was introducing Philomena to a class of fillies and colts. It must have been at least four centuries ago. 

“And then, she transforms into the magnificent phoenix!!” She tells the class. All the children’s eyes light up as they stare in anticipation at the sad, sickly-looking bird. Suddenly Celestia’s face changes. She gulps and tries not to let her eyes bulge out.

“Princess?” The teacher asks her; the children not noticing her distress. (Oh no…) Celestia thinks to herself. (I KNEW it… I just KNEW I shouldn’t have had that last serving of Saffron’s spicy-) She couldn’t even finish her thought when her ears almost popped at the sudden sound.

It happened. She couldn’t even SEE. But she could hear. She heard NOTHING. As the room of gas slowly cleared, she saw…. Everypony was lying down in front of her. Philomena had already transformed, and glanced at Celestia; her wing covering her beak. Her eyes screamed to the Princess; “NOW you’ve done it.” And Celestia knew, she sure had.

She and her sister were sitting at the fireplace that night in the snowstorm, with Philomena, watching the latest Centerlot news. “Breaking News reports an entire classroom massacre. The cause of death is unknown and the culprit appears to have fled the scene. There are no leads as to what caused it, or WHO is behind it all.”

Celestia’s eyes are bulging, and Luna can only stare at her sister, just knowing. JUST, knowing.

And as they stare into each other's eyes against the bright morning sun of the island, they both know they are thinking the same thing. 

“It is said that the farts of an alicorn are deadly. And it’s not just a figure of speech.”

“Then it’s settled,” Luna declares, “We will duel to the death with our deadly alicorn farts.”

Not a smirk escapes their lips, only devious smiles. They are both ready to take the win.

“Then let’s make it official.” With her magic, Celestia brings their wills in front of them. “We shall sign our wills and make this our last legitimate battle. Are you ready, sister?” 

With their horns alight, they both sign the wills with the quill of a large seagull’s feather. And then it is done. They are ready. It is time to fight.

“If I die, I want every flower on this island to surround my bed, the best one placed between my hooves.” Celestia remarks.

“And if I die, I want you to bury me with the rich soils and sands of every animal on this island who has passed in our lifetime here.”

Celestia tries not to gag at that one a little. “Well, sister. Prepare to spend the next few weeks gathering bouquet after bouquet, because you’re about to go down. FAST.” 

Celestia tells her sister with an even bigger smirk.

“We’ll see, sister. We’ll see.” 

Both sisters take a few paces backward, leaving their heavy hoofprints in the sand below them. Locked in place, as much as their eyes on each other, they suddenly CHARGE forward with incredible speed! Closer and closer they come to a sudden stop in front of each other; their skid flicking trails of sand towards the other. And just like that they turn around; two rumps facing each other, and… let it rip. 

Oh Luna, you needn’t worry about losing your fair bet if you win. For all the animals of the island will now be part of the soil for your burial.

Celestia smirks; she can’t fully see behind her but she’s sure she hit her sister good.

Luna’s neck; however, cranes further around than her sister’s, and she can clearly see the deadly gas of her sister floating just to the left of her rump. She has missed. They BOTH have. But that smile on Celestia’s face makes Luna spark a new idea. Her sister believes she hit her. But Luna knows they both missed. 

She knows what to do.

“Ack!!” Luna gasps. She stumbles forward, leaning on her front hooves. “Oof… oh no, dear sister! Please! HELP me!!” Celestia turns around to face her sister with that same wicked smile on her face; only more pleased this time.

She walks up to her coughing and sputtering sister, looking down on her with pride. She knew she had won. “Sister… I changed my mind…” Luna spat. “I don’t… I, can’t… ugh.” Her head falls to the side; her eyes slowly close and her fidgety and frantic movements to escape the deadly toxic gas, come to a stop.

Celestia puffs out her chest and stands tall over her sister, laughing maniacally. “HAHA! Oh Luna, you should have known from the START what you were getting yourself into! Oh the look on your face, you should have seen it! I guess this is what you get for making a deal with the number one Princess!!” 

Celestia leans in close to her sister’s face. “But don’t worry sister, you’ll have every animal of this island by your side when I bury your sorry remains in the sand.”

Celestia pulls Luna’s legs up into the air; stiff as a surfboard. She picks a flower from the nearby bush; Luna’s favorite kind, and places it in her hooves with a small struggle.

“There. Your burial will come soon, sister. But first, enjoy THIS burial.”

Celestia turns around and brings her rump toward her sister’s face; squashing the flower in her hooves, and squashing her two giant round cheeks into her sister’s jaw. Rubbing and rubbing, a cheeky smile on her face. “How do you like THAT, dear sister? That is the taste of MY victory. And YOUR defeat.” She lifts herself off her sister and stands up tall once again, facing the opposite direction and looking out to sea. 

“Ah, all this free land, to think we had grown tired of it. There is indeed still so much left to do on this island!” 

While still turned to the ocean, Celestia failed to notice Luna’s eye open and her lips curve into a smile.

“We don’t even have to stay here you know. Or, well, I don’t have to stay here. Because YOU my dear sister, have succumb to my-YAAHH!!” She yelps and jumps ten feet into the air; now hovering with her wings and rubbing her sore flank. She turns down and sees Luna below her; a hideous smirk on her face. A large bruise began forming on the left side of Celestia’s rump as she yells down to her sister, “Luna! You keep your horn away from my dear flanks!” Rubbing the ‘wound’, she slowly lowers herself to the ground. “And… and I thought you were, you’re supposed to be dead! You… you little CHEAT!”

Luna just smiles at her sister; still rubbing her flank. Then Celestia’s eyes soften and she slowly begins to smile a little. Then, they both crack up in laughter. “Haha, oh… well, I guess we must have BOTH missed then. My judgement was incorrect. But don’t expect me to make the same error again, dear Luna!”

They both step back in the ready position, just like before. A few steps back, a small trail of hoofprints more, and they CHARGE once again! Like a racecar they squeal in the sand, turning wildly to face the opposite direction of each other, “Prepare to go down for REAL this time, sister!” Luna yells. “In your dreams, Luna!” 

They both let off the largest, most powerful most toxic burst of gas they can possibly muster. Once again, Luna cranes her neck more than her sister can. Not that her sister has the time or the thought to turn as she is already choking on Luna’s formidable attack. “A-hack! Uggh!” She falls to the ground; Luna turning to her with a pleased smile. “Ha! Look who’s rolling around NOW, sister!” Just as her sister did; she watched Celestia cough and gasp for breath; rolling side to side and holding her hoof over her mouth in an attempt to keep everything down. But then she herself; falls down. Her legs. Her hooves. Her head. She lies still. For a few seconds. Her legs suddenly prop up completely, and her hooves reach onto her stomach; as if beckoning for her last flower to hold; so she can finally rest in peace.

Luna picks a sunflower from the same bush her sister had picked from earlier, and places it with ease in her sister’s hooves. There’s no need for her to pretend to be stiff already like here sister did. The rigor mortis hasn’t set in yet. Because this time, there is no joke. She is really gone. Luna’s eyes close with a peaceful smile of acceptance. She bows her head to her sister in respect. “It was a valiant effort, dear sister. But you lost fair and square. May you rest in peace and be free from your boredom.”

Luna spent all afternoon decorating her sister’s room. From all around the island, she picked every flower she could find. Just like her sister had asked. And her room looked beautiful. The sun was setting over the ocean horizon, clearly a magnificent view through Celestia’s bedroom window; laced with a vine of flowers around it. Celestia’s bed now a coffin of natural timber and oak; held her body perfectly; the flower in Celestia’s hand still perked up and well. A small smile present on her face; peaceful as can be. Luna felt at peace with her also. 

“Dear Sister. We have been through many hardships over the years, but you were always there for me, through the good and the bad. Even if what you did seemed to hurt me, you were only doing it for my own good. And I truly believe that you are now in a better place, where boredom will never consume you again. May you have all the fun the universe and the heavens have to offer, and may you rest in peace, my dear sister.” 

With that, Luna slowly backs away, her eyes closed, and bringing the door with her. The room is now sealed, and Luna can no longer see inside. Her sister lie in peace out of her sight. It is done.

She sighs. “I’m terribly sorry sister. I wished you to be in the heavens, but… you and I both know there is no such place.”

With a small frown she walks down the torch-lit hall; alone on this island for the first time in a century.

It was only a few days later, that Luna realized what a terrible mistake this was. Could she have possibly grown more bored? That was the thought that had plagued her mind for the last 50 years or more. But after just a few days without her sister, she realized the answer was, YES.

That night, she gathered the richest of the island’s soil, laced her bed with her favorite kind of flower, placed logs around her bed to resemble a casket of sorts, and lie within. 

With a small tear escaping her eye, she turned towards her back. She lifted her tail. And she let go every bit of gas she had stored up since the attack on her sister. Without a single cough, she peacefully awaited death.

It came before she knew; but she did not realize that at first. She was shocked to find herself awaken somewhere that wasn’t on the island. How could that be? For an entire century, she had lived on that island with her sister and gone nowhere else. Now all of a sudden, without any intention to leave, she had found herself walking a beautiful wonderland of pale yellow clouds and pink shimmering mist, floating about. No… it couldn’t be. It wasn’t real. Heaven wasn’t real. Afterlife didn’t exist, it didn’t-

“Why greetings, your Majesty.” A voice interrupted her inner quarrel.

She turns to a small white pony, with long flowing hair of yellowish-white. Her wings are like nothing Luna had ever seen; feathers of pure white and silky. A halo floated above her head. She was indeed… an angel. 

“Would you like to see your sister, Princess Luna?” 

The Angel pony knew her name. And… wait, did she say she knew where her SISTER was?

“My… sister?” Luna asked; still confused. 

“Of course, please, come this way.”

The Angel's smile was so warm; it was everything Luna could trust and more. She followed the angel pony down a path of clouds; their colors so vibrant yet so soft.

And there she was, Luna could see. Princess Celestia. She looked even more beautiful than before. She looked happy, and free, and peaceful. 

Luna couldn’t help but smile the biggest smile she had since she left Equestria.

“Dear Sister…” She said as she galloped toward Celestia. She was playing the prettiest melody with a large golden harp. Her hooves just seemed to glide over the strings. The sounds was the most amazing thing to have ever entered Luna’s ears. She could listen to it forever.

“Oh sister, I thought I’d never see you again. And yet here we are, in… in Heaven.”

“Indeed, sister. I am most happy to see you again.” Celestia chimed as she continued to play the harp and did not stop for a second. Her eyes were closed softly and a smile of pure happiness enveloped her. 

“So… sister… you’ve been here for a while longer than I have. What is there to do in Heaven?”

“We can play the harp.” Celestia’s smile never faded for a second. Luna knew this was a good idea and knew it would be the most fun they both ever had.

They played the beautiful golden harps together, the melody so strong yet soft it was almost visible. It vibrated through the clouds in a peaceful manner; soothing the ears of all the spirits that lie within the Heavens.

They played… and they played… and they played…

A thousand years later, Luna and Celestia were still playing the harp. But there was no longer any melody. Their hooves strummed sharp and lifelessly against the withered strings. One popped off and slapped Celestia in the face. Luna didn’t even manage a smile; her frown was just as sagging and prominent as the day she and her sister decided to have their first duel a thousand years ago on that island. Yes… that island so long ago.

Finally, the music stopped. Luna and Celestia just looked at each other; their eyes drooping with the bluest shade of dark purple and indigo and boredom underneath. “Sister… I can’t take it anymore. What do we do…? What do we DO?”

Celestia look forward, she’s thinking but her face hasn’t changed at all so it’s impossible to tell.

They are then lying in front of the harps; rumps facing each other, and they let off a cloud of toxins and waste from beneath their tails. They have no effort or motivation to gag at the horrible smell. Every soul around them drops beneath the clouds and descend to the only other place; Hell. Finally it is all over. Boredom shall never exist again.

Well, at least they thought that for the first 100 years. What now?